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Tuesday, November 21, 2006
An Absolutely PERFECT Apology: Is it adequate?
What could possibly be inadequate about the PERFECT apology? The grievous incident that necessitated the apology.Longtime readers of this blog know I have zero tolerance for apologies that aren’t really apologies, just mouth noises intended to sound like an apology while maintaining the speaker’s “deniable plausibility” or salvaging his/her ego.
Here’s what’s required for an effective apology:
1. Timeliness
2. Sincerity
3. Unequivocal words
Monday night (Nov. 20 -- I tried to post this for a week, but blogger was having problems), former Seinfeld comedian Michael Richards did everything by the numbers when he apologized for a rambling, racist rant he aimed at a heckler during an earlier appearance at a comedy club. On first examination, Richards earned an “A” for his apology. A deeper examination, however, reveals the vileness, the foulness, the illness he displayed.
I’m so appalled by the words he used and the images he conjured I can’t just let it go. Yes, it was a perfect apology. I believe him. Everything he said in his apology sounded and felt right. I just can’t get his words out of my mind.
What else could Richards do? Well, this is one time I think running to a mental health facility would be acceptable. There was a lack of control in that public break with sanity that I believe professionals would agree is a sign of illness, not just a need for “anger management.” I believe Richards’ apology is sincere. I also believe he deserves the chance to get mental health treatment and medication. As for the rest of us, is there anyone not absolutely sick to our stomachs over this horrid event? Is violent racism that close to the surface?
I don’t care about how one was “brought up.” I don’t care how old one is that “racism is embedded in the psyche.” If you find yourself making excuses for yourself or others who don’t see this incident as the horror it is, you need help, too.
The best we can make of this situation is to take the time to examine our own emotions and behaviors, as well as what we are modeling for our children and grandchildren. While we’re at it, let’s take a good look at how we display forgiveness.
To answer my own question—the perfect apology does not erase egregious actions, although it would be worse without the apology.
Comments:
Hi Pamela,
Great article! I came across some excellent material on "perfect apologies" here. It's worth a read and a link.
www.perfectapology.com
Great job on your site, by the way!
FPH